What? WHAT?! NONONONONONO, I don’t have a problem. I have a problem? I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM! HAHAHAHAH That’s funny that you’d think I have a problem, because I’m just a dog, you see. THAT’S HILARIOUS. See I’m just a dog, A DOG. I can’t do drugs, I just eat my food, drink my water, and chase rabbits when I get outside. OH MAN IF I SAW A RABBIT RIGHT NOW I’D CHASE THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF IT. Can we go out and get some rabbit right now? RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. Gimme. Gimme gimme.

“Bad dog!”

Alright, alright. Alright alright alright. I know how to get out of the house now. When you guys go out and leave me overnight, yeah, I’ll get out, LOCK THE DOOR I ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT DOOR IS LOCKED, and go hang out with some guys I met. What guys? THESE GUYS I MET, GAHHHH BACK OFF. Acey and Ray. I don’t know how I might ‘em but they ARE THE COOLEST GUYS. RAY DRIVES A 4RUNNER. IT’S THE COOLEST! Sure, I’ll go out of the house sometimes, but it’s just to get a drink or two nothing hard NOTHING HARD AT ALL.

“Bad, bad dog!”

Okay, who hasn’t gotten a LITTLE crazy before? WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME? HUH?! Maybe I’ve had a joint or two, when I’m wasted or something, WHO CARES? IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S GOING TO KILL ME. Maybe there’s a time or two when there’s been a little booger sugar around or something, I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW WHO ACEY AND RAY KNOW, ALRIGHT? But I don’t have a problem. HAHAH. I’m a DOG, RIGHT? RIGHT? I’M RIGHT. THAT’D BE HILARIOUS. Wait. WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WOULD BE HILARIOUS, OTHER THAN YOU JUST SAYING THAT. OH MAN, IF IT WERE TRUE. Could you IMAGINE a DOG?! BEING HIGH? OH MAN, I THINK MY BRAINS ARE LEAKING OUT OF MY TEETH! THAT’S SO AWESOME.

/slight bop on the nose
“Bad dog!”

FINE. But can I get a new bone? Please? PLEASE? PLEEEEASE?