Expressionisms: “Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass”

I get some expressions. Like the one below. Apes sometimes throw their feces. If you’re acting crazy, it could be said you are acting like a monkey, and, symbollically, hurling feces. This one makes no sense. If someone were blowing smoke up my butt, I’d not only wonder what I was doing wrong, but also wonder why no one else was stopping this other person from doing something else wrong to me.

ART THOU BORED?

Don’t worry about me folks. I have not succumbed to any number of diseases or been busted for the underhanded, blackmarket dealings of the exotic cat organ harvesting racket. I just got a new job and am furiously learning the ropes there. Once all that dust settles, you’ll hear more of my sweet, sweet voice, soon enough.

I love you all. Except for you. YES, I’M THINKING OF YOU SPECIFICALLY. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

(H/T Icehouse)

Zack’s Old Family Videos: Found Out Why My Face Looks Like It Does, And Why I’m Bad At Math But Great At Magnets

WEEEEE-....@#!.....-EEEEEE!!!

Oh, when Uncle Dale and Cousin Jesse came to town, they always brough the inflatable bed, or what I liked to call the “FunderDome.” Consequence-free fun was had by all.

Unfortunately, every weekend they came, I usually spent at least an hour in an emergency room, tending wounds or being analyzed about whether or not I’d be able to remember what the Civil War was, or who invented the light bulb. Silly teachers! Didn’t they understand that somethings just don’t matter whenever the FunderDome comes to town? Who really needs to multiply fractions anyway?

(via Nick Holmes)

Jimmer Fredette: “Please Stop Offering To Find People To Have Sex With Me”

NEW ORLEANS - In the wake of a heartbreaking overtime loss to Florida to end his collegiate career, BYU senior Jimmer Fredette insists that people stop offering to find people to have sex with him, for consolation or for congratulations, at the end of a stellar showing in the NCAA Tournament.

“I, uh, appreciate it and stuff, but seriously, some of these text messages are messed up,” said an exhausted Fredette at a press conference. “I mean, there’s an honor code, and then there’s just plain insanity. Sorry ‘@JennyBabe32,’” he read from his smartphone. “I appreciate you offering your…self. Thanks for your (slight shuddering) support.”

BYU’s honor code came into the spotlight this season when Cougars forward Brandon Davies was suspended for violating the code for engaging in premarital intercourse with his girlfriend. This attention, coupled with Fredette’s compelling level of play, have coupled together in a vast offering of women from all corners of the country, some of which even being offered up by their friends, serious boyfriends, and even husbands.

“When I say ‘Go Cougars,’” sighed Fredette. “You know what I mean. Come on, Mrs. Delveccio…Please.”

“I mean, it’s mildly offensive to assume that just because I’m honoring the honor code I couldn’t get a girl if I really wanted to,” said Jimmer. “I support the honor code. But I bet I could get so many chicks. Like a lot of ‘em.” School officials commented that the idea of offering Fredette multiple wives had been broached, but a formal offer was never made.

Fredette, after the press conference, was overheard being told that now that his collegiate career is over, and while he might be suspended from school, a la Jim McMahon, he could not be suspended from the team for violations against the honor code. Replying with a “WHAT,” Jimmer quickly exited the building, hastily typing on his cell phone.