"Simpson dribbles, passes to Garret, who is quickly slashed by Jefferies, Simpson picks up the loose ball, DRIVES TO THE PAINT AND SCOOOORES! But oh, looks like he may have been stabbed right in the kidnies that HAS to hurt, Cal."
This is an ongoing series throughout what, for me, is the worst period of time in sports. Baseball is a few
months weeks away, and football is as good as dead until the fall. And it’s all because, no matter how much I try (AND BELIEVE YOU ME I TRY A LOT) I just can’t watch, like, enjoy, get behind, or generally stand basketball. I’ll watch a Blake Griffin dunk, or a last second Rudy Gay buzzer-beater, or LeBron do anything. But, and nothing against basketball or any of its fine fans, this time of year is a real struggle for me to get through. Feel my pain, and bear with me, as I try to show room for the game’s improvement.
Arrange A Rankings-Based, 68-Team Playoff Tournament, Then Give All The Participants An Assortment Of Knives
Alright, if there’s anything I’ve learned about keeping a murderous amount of boredom away from me, it’s that gambling always helps. Always. There’s nothing I won’t gamble on. I’ll put $20 down right now that says polar bears will gentrify St. Louis before four consecutive white cars pass by my window. $50 that at least 10 of the next 100 words a given homeless man will say are going to be curse words, English only. Literally, anything just to pass the time and turn a dollar into two.
Establishing a large, competitive tournament will increase the effectiveness and attentiveness with which I will watch basketball. You’d have to get a lot of teams in there to make it worth everyone’s while. Like more than 35, almost twice that. 70. Nah, 70’s a little large. 68? Sure, let’s go with 68 teams. That’ll go on for what? Two? Three weeks? Yeah, that’d be good enough to spread the money and the selections out a little bit. THEN, arrange them in a very specific way. Let’s call them seeds. You’ll pit the best teams against the worst teams, because SCREW THOSE GUYS. Try harder, then you’ll play people who are more in your league. Okay, so just pit these teams against one another, and watch as they level each other competitively until ultimately a victor amongst the 68 will emerge. You can wager on which teams will win the various contests, and get as many people as you want into a pool, so more money could be spread around. Sounds great, right?
But give everyone knives too.
Let’s face it, the running back and forth, the shooting a ball from a distance into a hole, calling sustained bouncing “dribbling,” I GET IT, but if we don’t spice this game up, I’m going into a diabetic coma. Give every player a knife of varying size and sharpness and weight. The variation will allow for different roles to be fulfilled by different players, naturally, you’re going to want your big men in the paint to have larger, more sturdy blades that done fold back into their handles, like a booie knife or maybe even a hatchet. Give your point guards some switch blades that will compliment their speed, and so on and so forth.
Let the coaches have ceremonial sabres, like in the Marine Corps, so they can guide their teams easily from the bench with overt gestures and large, swinging hand motions.
This will add an immeasurable amount of exciting elements to the game. You’ll have to be more sure-footed driving into the paint, making certain not to slip in the blood. Three point shooting will likely expose the underbelly of an opponent, making them much more climactic. The coaches have sabres, I mentioned that right? I can’t wait until they get T’ed up. SWISH.
An indeterminable short-yet-long time away from MLB Opening Day.