Days Like Today Make Me Happy I Became A Nun And Carry Around Several Loaded Semi-Automatic Weapons

Sister Catherine Marie O'Brien

Everyone, in this life, at one point or another, comes to a crossroad. They come to a pivotal moment that they realize, either then or later, the decisions made in that moment will affect the rest of their life and the legacy they will eventually leave behind. For some it’s marriage, for others it’s a career-decision. For me, it was both. I chose to become a nun, a Sister of the Church, vowing to devote my life to Jesus Christ, His teachings, and His good work to be done here on Earth. It was a decision I made with much deliberation, yet also much conviction. Fortunately for me, I believe I made the right decision, and beautiful days like today affirm that belief.

These robes provide wonderful cover for the several loaded sem-automatic and automatic weapons that never, ever, ever leave my grasp. No one has ever been able to tell, until I brandish that cold steel, and even then, they’re not usually able to repeat the incident.

Are there days where I don’t wonder where my life might’ve taken me had I not taken my vows? Why certainly. I’m not ashamed to admit that, and I don’t know many of my sisters who don’t often ponder the same questions. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about what else you may have done. My brother is an attorney, and a fine one at that. He always jokes that he’s got a standing invitation for me to be a partner at his firm, as he’s never seen anyone get so many people to confess so many things! Then again, my mother was a wonderful artist. I’ve always had an eye for color and patterns, maybe I could’ve gone abroad, perhaps to Florence. Maybe I could have studied art, and become a painter, or a charcoal stencilist. I still draw in my spare time…

But then where would I keep my literally dozens of rounds of ammunition? I’m able to strap no less than four belts of bullets around my torso and shoulders, not to mention all of the clips for my handguns. I’ve got about four per handgun on my person at a given time, so you do the math. DO IT. I DARE YOU.

I don’t regret a minute of this life of servitude and stewardship that I have chosen for my Lord, Jesus Christ. I’ve been places, seen things, and touched lives in a way that most people can never say they have. And who else can say they’ve waltzed into a bank or hospital with their fingers on the triggers of a pair of FG-42 automatic rifles and walked out unnoticed? Not many people can say they’ve seen the majestic glory of God and his works and his fruitful, lethal ammunition the way that I have.  You ask the average businessman how close he is to God, and more often than not, he’ll lament the distance he has to his Holy Lord. I don’t have to worry about that, the Lord and I are awfully close. I don’t have to worry about much of anything, not with all of the full body armour I wear regularly. I can take up to eight rounds, right here in my blessed heart, and I’ve yet to take a shot that will keep me from returning a plague of fire at anything in my sight. The Lord has just been so good to me.

Nuns also make GREAT getaway/witness costumes. The more bloodshed there is in a given area, the more likely a nun would already be there. “Hey, what happened here, Sister?” “I don’t know some poor, deranged soul opened a barrage of well-aimed and masterfully timed shots all over the place…I think he went that way.”

I’ve had a lifetime to sit and ponder the mysteries of this existence. I can say with a clear heart and mind that I really wouldn’t have wanted to live my life in any other way. The friendships, the good works, the cold steel pressed firm against my body, and the charity; it’s all truly been a blessing. I’d encourage any young woman who has a heart for service, a passion for God, savage but calculated bloodlust, and an eye for charity to go to their nearest convent and talk to an available sister. I’m sure they’d be able to guide you toward a most fulfilling path and help you shine a light toward your assuredly bright future.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a band of Venezuelan art smugglers I need to help deliver from evil.

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