Happy Groundhog Day! I’m Going To Pelt Children In The Face With Projectiles of Ice and Snow and More Ice!

Can't wait to watch this after I fling some snowballs as hard as I possibly can at the faces of children

Happy Groundhog Day everyone! February 2nd has come once again, and this year, IT’S A SNOWDAY!

I live in St. Louis, MO, which over the past couple of days has received a good amount of snow and ice. Not as much as predicted, snow-wise, but enough ice for the ole workshop to go ahead and close for the day. If you heard me speak to you, you probably would not immediately recognize that I was raised in the South. Not a big drawl, use of fake words that are just two words forced together, and no tobacco-stained facial hair. 

However, you can immediately recognize that I’m from the South by my reaction to snow and any other wintry precipitation. I’ve lived in St. Louis through two winters and I still flip out like a Jewish orphan at his first Christmas with his new adopted family every time we get a mere inch or more of accumulation. Flip. Out.

So on this miraculous Groundhog Day, I’m going to go to a nearby park and pick some snowball fights.

I already know all of the nearby schools are shuttered. There’s a slight hill on one side of the park. I know they’ll be over there, waiting to sled down on whatever smooth surfaces they’ve got. I know I’ll be outnumbered. But in my entire life, I only had one good snowball fight growing up. Only one time have I been able to express myself by throwing a ball of precipitation at someone’s face as hard as I can. If you’ll excuse me, but I’ve got some childhood issues to work out, and what with me being a grown man now, I think I’ve got more muscle than ever to work them out. Kiddos: WATCH YOUR FREAKING FACES BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BE HURLING SNOWBALLS AT THEM.

After I lay waste and ruin the wintry memories of COUNTLESS children, I’m going to have a nice warm meal, pour myself some hot coffee, and watch the TIMELESS film classic, Groundhog Day. Now, I’m a bit of a philosophy nerd, but if you’ll allow me, I think I can draw a couple of parallels between this film and Plato’s Republic. In the Republic, Socrates is asked by Glaucon if morals are merely social constructs, proffering that if one could perhaps never be caught, he would never have to be moral. Socrates counters with a tale of the Ring of Gyges, a Lord of the Rings-inspiring item that makes the wearer invisible, and therefore, consequence free. Socrates tells him, much like Tolkien’s Gollum, the ring wearer descends into a desperate and vile moral bankruptcy.

Similarly, in Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character Phil lives consequence free for a time (a seemingly INFINITE amount of time!), only to stumble into madness, and eventually realize a virtuous life is the one to be lived, regardless to consequences. I look forward to seeing the film again, as I haven’t seen it in about a year or so.

Excuse me, an exact year at that. Sorry to bore you with the philosophy jargon, but it’ll make you look at that movie completely differently, and could make you enjoy the film even more. If it helps to lighten the mood, know I was farting the entire time I was writing so philosophically.

One thought on “Happy Groundhog Day! I’m Going To Pelt Children In The Face With Projectiles of Ice and Snow and More Ice!

  1. I find the snowball problem is common with a lot of southerners. Generally speaking, you want more damage rather than just throwing snow in the air. My advice, take the time to construct a proper snow ball. Once it hits it’s totally worth it.

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