So The Onion’s SportsDome has already explored a subject my friend, Mr. Steve Lattimer, and I have discussed at great length: what we, were we to own the Cardinals, would give Albert Pujols in return for him to stay in St. Louis and continue to play for our beloved and aforementioned Cardinals.
There’s been much ado on the subject as of late. The formidable task of finding enough dollars to pay the slugger’s expected price tag is leading many to believe such a task cannot be fulfilled by the Cardinals’ front office and should not even be attempted as “No player is bigger than Cardinal nation.”
“Quite true,” Lattimer and I would politely retort. “However, that’s retarded. JUST SIGN THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE RIGHT NOW AND POSSIBLY FOR ALL TIME AND BE THANKFUL YOU GOT HIM.” The last part isn’t polite, but it would be about as polite as we could muster.
So we’ve compiled a list of things we would personally assure Mr. Pujols to have upon his signature. Let’s just say the list is infinite, but we’ve decided to highlight some of the splendors of this vast, imaginary wealth Mr. Lattimer and I have procured creating high-speed trains that have tracks like rollercoasters, and trees that grow candy bars. The list is as follows, yet is not limited to:
- Free Toasted Ravioli, a St. Louis culinary special, For Life
- Secret Hombre Cave under the brewery so he and Yadi can hang out
- 24/7 Pilot and Plane
- Official language of the Cardinals, Busch Stadium, et al will be Spanish
- Newly Acquired Nick Punto will have to carry his bags everywhere
- Tony LaRussa promises not to talk to him
- Big Mac land annexed, turned into Albertville
- Giant, 632-foot statue placed in between legs of the Arch
- Selects every other player’s (including away team player’s) at-bat songs
- Free oil changes from any St. Louis City or County Midas
- Fred Bird will drive him to home plate, first base, and around the bases on home runs in his sports car, also applying to the Greater St. Louis area
- Unprohibited use of T-shirt air cannon
- Can have specially designed uniform of his own choosing; team will pay any and all league fines.
- Latin cuisine night at Busch…every night
- Nobody can have the number five in their number at all;15, 25, 35, 45, all of the fifties, 65, 75, 85, and 95. All out.
- Rams and Blues will change their names to the Alberts and Pujols, respectively
- Heck, just give him both teams, because who cares?
- Everyone has to shave their heads, except for Yadi
- A $100 gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory, awarded annually
- No beardwidth thicker than 3mm
- Throne in dugout
- Free tote bag (BUT AN AWESOME TOTEBAG)
- Open season to kill as many Fred Birds as he sees fit in or around the Greater St. Louis Area
- Archbishop’s personal cell phone number on speed dial
- Free reign of David Freese’s social life
- Honorary Doctorate from Washington University in St. Louis
- Honorary Doctorate from Washington University in St. Louis – School of Medicine
- One hour before and after every game to preach on the Gospel
- Chris Carpenter’s Cy Young Award
- Can throw as many honorary first pitches as he wants, whenever he wants
- Full dental coverage, on the house
- Memphis Redbirds. All of it.
- Free passes to Grant’s Farm (already free! DON’T TELL HIM!), Six Flags, and the Missouri Botanical Garden
- Third World Countries Pujols would normally travel to on mission trips are instead shipped to him
- His own personal ballboy, rather than use the team’s ballboy
- A team of genetic theorists and scientists and their assurance to create whatever mythical creature he should ever demand
- As many bats as he wants
- $11 billion dollars
- Conductor for all school-aged singers of the National Anthem or Take Me Out To The Ball Game
(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)