Zack’s Hate Mail From The Person Who Used To Live In His Apartment’s Stalker

"You're Making This Absurdly Difficult To Envision Myself Wearing Your Skin"

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

Sorry to introduce myself to you like this, but I couldn’t bottle up my anger at you anymore. I’ve been stalking you since you moved in around February. Let me just say, I’ve been doing this a long, long time, and I’ve never had a subject who made me consider getting out of the field as often as you do on an EVERYDAY BASIS.

Dan and his lovely wife, Veronica, were what made my business good. Regular activities, like puzzles or having friends over for a game night, were delightful to be a part of watch from a far. You realize you’ve been wearing that same “outfit” for about four days now, right? If you’re going to wear sweatpants everyday, at least maintain the dignity to swap them out for NEW PAIRS OF SWEATPANTS. The same ones day in and day out are making me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.

For God’s sake, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.

Dan and Veronica, I never knew what I had until they finally decided to get that house a couple of counties over, start a family. They used to laugh together, watch movies together, even read together! It was ADORABLE watching them flirt with each other with the same passion they had from day one, frolicking about in their matching His-and-Her robes. It warmed me, even from the branches outside the living room window, TRULY WARMED MY HEART.

You watch a lot of TV. I mean…wow. And it’s not even good TV. How many mid-day talk shows are there in the world? Who cares? Are you going to check out some of the places these shows are featuring? YOU DON’T GO OUTSIDE. Your “beard” looks like you wiped your mouth off with a brillo pad after a pie-eating contest. Your robe is pink and goes halfway between your hips and knee caps. It really makes me wish you were wearing the sweatpants again.

YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO COULD BE WATCHING YOU THROUGH A HIGH-POWERED TELESCOPING LENS ON THE ROOF ACROSS THE STREET. JESUS.

The only thing worse than watching you waste your life away and waste my REMARKABLY PRECIOUS time is watching what comes out of your apartment. Dan and Veronica would subscribe to health magazines! You could tell they were well-worn, and some sections were even highlighted. Even for a stalker, the magazines you’re discarding are…well they’re disturbing. And this is coming from me, a professional stalker. Dan and Veronica ALWAYS donated their old clothes to Goodwill. YOU KNOW YOU CAN WASH UNDERWEAR, RIGHT? You’re not just supposed to wear them until they lose every physical characteristic that qualifies them as “underwear” just to throw them away. It’s also really weird that they’re SpongeBob themed. PS – You need to fix your diet. You eat like eight 3 Musketeer bars a day. That’s not a hyperbole. Eight to twelve daily.

Listen, you get into this business to live your life through someone else’s. You get good people like Dan and Veronica Jenkins, you see them share their lives with one another, and through the good times and the bad, begin to feel like a very real part of their family. One who seems them naked on an almost daily basis. One who NEEDS to see them naked on an almost daily basis just to get through my own existence.

It’s people like you that are ruining the business. Take a shower, get some hobbies, and for God’s sake, do some crunches or something to make yourself desirable. I’m at my wit’s end here. A couple of more weeks like this, and I’ll start leaving bigger animal carcasses on your car, or worse, stop stealing your kleenexes and hiding in your bathroom closet. I’ve got an obsession to feed, man. You gotta do this for the both of us.

Get it together.

Best,

Anthony G*****s

Three People I Really Want To Punch in the Wiener Right Now

Everybody needs somebody sometimes. And sometimes, that somebody needs a good punch to wiener. Just a solid shot. It’s the worst pain you can feel as a man, and there are three people who are the most deserving to me after a Christmas weekend full of doing almost nothing but watch TV. And it was awesome. Except for having to see these three guys:


Guy From 1800 Tequila Commercial: I prefer to drink alone on the floor of my own bathroom in the dark, so I don’t get out to bars much. One of the primary reasons for this is that bars attract a lot of people like this guy: loud-mouthed jackasses who slick their hair back and act like they know everything. “Oh, look a’ me, I’m kickin’ bahhck, drinkin’ dis here drink and makin’ a SAHCASTIC ‘oops.’ Ask ayebody at dis BAH, they’ll tell yas I’m WICKED SAHCASTIC.”

Sure, I don’t live in the Northeast, but I feel like these smug d-holes are everywhere, trying to turn every bar in America into a club. “This is an Affliction t-shirt yo! No, I’m not involved in any MMA-related training, but if I were, you’d be in a lot of trouble! What’re you drinking? PSH, THAT AIN’T 1800 THOUGH! YOU EVAH EVEN HEARDA BOTTLE SERVICE?!”

This guy gets a slick-like-his-hair punch to the wiener; go in for the handshake or high-five, and BOOM! Then I’d say “Oops” all sarcastically.


Guy From Bleu de Chanel Commercial: I have two problems with this commercial. First off, this guy is an awful actor. He couldn’t possibly say those lines with a little FEELING, FOR GOD’S SAKE? I’ve seen better lines at my nephew’s Christmas play and that SUUUUCKED.

Secondly, and this is purely speculation at this point (I’D LOVE SOME CLARIFICATION, PEOPLE), but this guy seems like a real toolshed. “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore.” A.) Bold statement, Claude, problem is NO ONE CARES. B.) Most people in this given situation are, like me, expecting that you’re a douche and saying statements like “I’m not going to be the person I’m expected to be anymore” confirm this expectation. DOUBLE WHAMMY. What’s this press conference supposed to be for, anyway? “I am a good-looking person and what I will say I will say it GOOD-LOOKINGLY.” Having worked in a pressroom before, I can confess, THAT WOULD HAVE TOTALLY GOTTEN ME TO THE PRESS CONFERENCE. But I would’ve been pissed had I gotten there and some pretty boy said that, then walked out of the crumbling room, WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY THE ROOM WAS FALLING APART AROUND US.

I’d give him the Money Shot Wiener Punch. Be like “SHOW ME THE ABS, CLAUDE!” and when his reflexes caused his arms to lift his shirt, POW! Right to his defenseless wiener.

Larry the Cable Guy: He’s getting a show on the History Channel called “Only in America.” Guh. Okay, quickly:

  • Hard to be on a channel you’ve never seen before/can’t spell the name of, eh, Lars?
  • So the History Channel is assuming their audience is a bunch of mouthbreathing rednecks, yes?
  • “Larry the Cable Guy wows audiences across the country with his unique brand of humor and quirky take on America,” History president/GM Nancy Dubuc said in a statement. Nancy, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE WIENER IF YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

Larry gets an overt and unfunny punch to the wiener. It’d be loud, and look like an accident or something so no one would laugh at it. That seems appropriate.

TIME FOR KRISTMAS TO GET KRUUUNK

Christmas time. It comes every year, and it really is the best time of the year. I love the merriment, the new cold (not like that February cold, where it’s been cold for so long that you’re ready to wear shorts as soon as it’s in the 50’s and would murder multiple people if the ground would just thaw), and crooning music being played on Top 40 Stations.

I’m no Grinch (see what I did there? Took a classic villain of Christmas and made him me? I’m too much!), but not all is well with the Christmas season. Not all is well.

  • Christmas Letters That Come With Cards: (/rubs temples, /rubs face with hand) ALRIGHT, it’s not that I don’t care about you, your family, or what’s been going on in your life in the past year. It’s just that I don’t care about you, your family, or what’s been going on in your life in the past year. If I DID care about any of that stuff, I’d already know about it. In fact, if I don’t know about something around when it happens (“Oh man, did you hear about the Mollen Family? Can’t believe there was a live grenade buried under their house like forty years ago! Talk about bad luck, huh?”), I probably don’t need to hear about it until I run into you at the grocery store, homecoming, or better yet, never. Oh, you ran a half marathon? ORIGINAL. New job? Fantastic, give me money. Just got married? I KNOW, I HAD TO SIT THROUGH YOUR BORING, ALCOHOL-LESS WEDDING. DON’T REMIND ME.

    Keep it to cards featuring sweaters and a dog or something. At least that’s like a trading card I can put up to show how many people like me. The answer: two.

  • Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire: Have you ever SMELLED  a chestnut roasting on any fire, open or otherwise? It smells like one of those Fancy Feast, long-haired cats got thrown into a garbage fire. Not for me, friend.
  • John Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas”: I don’t mind most Christmas songs, stupid suggestions of burning foul-smelling nuts aside. But there are some I loathe. And there is one song in particular that seems to hunt me down every time I turn on any music device: Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas.” What an AWFUL, TERRIBLE, BARFTASTIC song. I can’t ever seem to change the channel fast enough. One time I changed the channel, and it was on another station too, causing me to drive right into a bridge embankment. I hear it every, haunting morning as my alarm clock, and I don’t even have a clock radio alarm, it’s just my cell phone. It’s a song so gut-wrenching that despite their contributions to music and pop culture and whatever, I wish the Beatles hadn’t even existed in the first place.

    That. Song. Sucks.

  • Lifetime Movies About Finding The True Meaning of Christmas: I’m sorry but there are only a few different meanings of Christmas. Jesus being born, Cherishing Family and stuff, being Thankful (BECAUSE YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT SINCE YOU LAST GORGED YOURSELF LAST MONTH), and enjoying peace in a world that doesn’t often encourage it. All of these Christmas movies about Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jenny McCarthy, or anyone else who has a name starting with J-E-N, struggling through the first 11 months of the year only to end up “finding the true spirit of Christmas…and a little bit about themselves” shouldn’t be revolving around Christmas at all. They should be revolving around…okay, they shouldn’t be movies at all, but if you’ve GOT to make movies, Lifetime, SPARE THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

    Now, Fred Claus? Elf? The Santa Clause (although, not 2 or 3)? Fine holiday films. I don’t need to hear how Tammy is going to get out of the sticky situation of a couple of failed marriages whaling on her emotions around Christmas. Send me a Christmas letter that I can feed to my dog instead.

    By the way, that’s a true story. Came home yesterday to Newman the Invincible having  DESTROYED such a letter. Proves two things: One, my dog > all other dogs, due to the fact he can read, and two, EVEN DOGS HATE THOSE STUPID LETTERS.

Other than that, guys, have a Happy Holiday season. Wait, Hanukkah’s over, right? Okay, Merry Christmas and Happy Festivus.

So…Zooey Deschanel Is Totally Fine With Dating Someone With An Overt Mental Handicap, Right?

"Nice helmet..."

Last night I was watching Elf because it’s Christmas time, and, you know, it was on TV. It doesn’t take much more than beating a “Law and Order” rerun marathon and “The Sing Off” to win that battle.

Let me first say that I love this movie. Instant classic, “cotton headed ninnymuggins,” all that jazz. But I have to say that this time around, I got a little uneasy at one point during the film. I’m probably just not suspending my disbelief enough, but still, it was kind of a “Wait…wait. What.” moment.

What’s Zooey “Offputtingly Attractive, But Not As Offputting As My Sister From ‘Bones’, No?” Deschanel’s character Jovie’s thought process during the scene in which she’s falling for Buddy the Elf while ice skating at Rockefeller Center? If we’re to believe what’s going on in the movie, she’s inviting the idea of getting into an intimate and possibly sexual relationship with someone who has a clear mental handicap.

Don’t get me wrong, GREAT MOVIE. But if you saw someone on the street or in the mall who professed to be from the North Pole and the adopted son of a toy making elf employed by Santa Claus, no matter how convincing his costume or childlike enthusiasm, you’d be 99 percent sure you’d be dealing with someone with dementia, possibly schizophrenia, say “SORRY, I DON’T HAVE ANY CHANGE” and walk briskly past them. Sure, it works out in the end that Buddy isn’t someone with a mental disorder, everything is true and everyone lives happily ever after splitting time between the North Pole and New York City, but that’s a pretty large gamble isn’t it? That’d be like hooking up with some young-looking girl at a college bar, then saying “Oh, you’re 18?! Awesome!”

It ends up well, but still, Jovie must’ve been pretty hard up for a date if Buddy the Elf is going to sweep her off her feet. Does she have some bad ex-boyfriend stories or something? “Yeah, Jovie was cool, but she was always really offputting and wanting to visit my dad at his mental health faciltiy…weird.”

I’M NAWT DOING THIS FAR ANYBODY BUT ME AND MAHK WAHLBERG

Couple of items on the agenda to get to today people, so strap in:

  • Oh, Mark Wahlberg. You never cease to make me laugh without directly meaning to.
  • Amy Adams was on Conan last night, talking about her upcoming role in the movie featured in that video up there, The Fighter. Having to be nitty-gritty Southie from Boston, she talked at length about having to improvise cursing during fight scene, coming to the realization that “c*wksuckah” is her favorite curse word, mainly because of how funny it sounds with a Bahstahn accent. OW-AH CURSE WORDS AR-UH BETTAH THAN YO-AH CURSE WORDS! Simply charming.
  • If you mosey on over to The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, you’ll find an awesome opportunity to play College Bowl Pick Em with everyone who’s anyone. Sign up, pick which team is going to win which bowl, give a tie-breaking National Championship score, and you’re done. If we get enough people this year, we’re looking to give away prizes, YES, TANGIBLE PRIZES. So do it. UNLESS YOU’RE A NERD, NERD!
  • Thanks to everyone who’s been stopping by the site, subscribing and whatnot. If you’re new here, hope you like what you see, look around, and feel free to tell your friends. You’re all awesome.

(h/t The Icehouse for the video)

This Great Review For ‘Black Swan’ Has Nothing To Do With The Awesome Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman Sex Scene

Tremendous Actors Who Are Good At Acting

Last weekend, I saw what I believe is one of the best pictures of the year, a film which is getting Golden Globe and Oscar buzz and for good reason. That good reason has nothing to do with the compelling sex scene between the film’s starlets Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Nothing at all.

The film is Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky’s psychological thriller, starring Portman as Nina, a driven ballet dancer who wears tight clothes and pushes herself to – or past –  the brink of sanity in the pursuit of perfection for her stage premiere of the classic ballet “Swan Lake.” This internal conflict is exacerbated by the arrival of Mila Kunis’ Lily, who is the unwound and liberated antithesis of Nina’s uptight nature, and becomes a fixation of paranoia for Portman’s character. They also get sexually intimate during a scene of the film.

It is a compelling drama, ripe with psychoanalysis, gripping conflicts, both external and internal, and this two-minute scene where Portman and Kunis strip down and enjoy each other’s company nakedly. Tensions mount between Nina and her director, her mother, and her craft as she slowly descends into madness, leading to the shocking opening night of the ballet: Will she crack? Will she hurt someone? Will she hurt herself? Will she swap spit with Mila Kunis again? It’s a thriller for sure.

Immediately, this picture climbed my ranks of best pictures of this year as an engaging and compelling winner, and in no way because of the downright hotness between Portman and Kunis’s bedroom scene. That scene barely crosses my mind when you consider the ingenious directing of Aronofsky, the masterful plot, and other scenes that weren’t two scantily clad, gorgeous women engaging in sundry lesbian sex acts.

Where does this rank among this year’s other blockbusters? The longest-running front runner has been The Social Network, Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher’s take on the genesis of Facebook and its founder, Mark Zuckerberg. It was a unique look at the psychosis of its founder, featured a couple of college lesbian scenes, and was ultimately a good film, while not as deep as Black Swan. For all of the intrigue and action Inception provided, sometimes Nolan’s dreamscapes were without two women sucking face and often became overly convoluted and confusing.

The Coen Bros. remake of John Wayne’s classic True Grit, starring reigning Best Actor Jeff Bridges, is expected to be high on many people’s lists, and I will give it a shot, and not despite an apparent lack of women cast members who could possibly get with each other.

So go see Black Swan. It is a worth film that will hold your attention for 70 minutes, REALLY hold your attention for two minutes or so, and then hold your attention for an additional twenty sweaty minutes, I guess. I don’t really remember the ending, but I’m sure it’s good.

Five stars!

This Expresses My Feelings On The Christmas Offerings of Children PRECISELY

Anyone who has kids, way younger siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, or spatially confused grandparents can tell you, these gifts?…These are not my kind of gifts.

The messy photo covered in glue and glitter? THAT GLITTER GETS EVERYWHERE, KID. The crudely crafted construction paper Christmas tree? We’ve already got a dandy Christmas tree, and WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GLITTER?! Christmas themed magnets for the fridge? Like I’m going to have the patience to put up and take down seasonal refrigerator magnets. You know that lopsided candy cane is going to still be there in August, and by then, we’re only four months away from Christmas anyway, and it’s going to look STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I’m not saying that I don’t understand that kids can’t be doling out plasma TVs or cool cars. That’s what makes the aforementioned video so humorous, dummy. And it’s not that I’m really materialistic and want everything. Those gifts really get on my nerves. I mean, how sentimental is this supposed to be for me, young man? You drew a picture of you, me, and Santa after you came in from playing out in the snow and while eating a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Am I supposed to bend at the waist and pick this up from the floor of my car? I really don’t care if a passenger’s Nikes put a smudge next to your jellystain. Not to mention, it looks REMARKABLY similar to last year’s scribbling as well. And the year before that. And the year before tha- ARE YOU NOT DEVELOPING AT ALL ARTISTICALLY OR INTELLECTUALLY? Sure, Jackson Pollack scribbled, but he did SOMETHING that wasn’t abstract SOMEWHERE before then.

Good talk, kid. See you out there. Merry Christmas.