Five Things I’ve Been Doing Since I Haven’t Been Doing This As Much

Took a little break from this beloved depot of mindless humor(ish) material, and in the meantime, people have been asking “Zack, WHAT have you been doing?” Well, sweet sassy molassy, I’ve been busy. Here are just five of the LITERALLY COUNTLESS things I’ve been doing, all of which are really, really important:

1. Watched about 45-60 hours of “Law and Order: SVU”

Okay, have you heard of this show? If you were like me, the answer was “maybe, is that the one with Jeff Goldblum?” Well, no, it’s not that one, that’s another Law and Order. This one is just a little more nuts, because at the end of the day, all this show is is writer types sitting in a room dreaming up more creative ways to rape people. “What if we get a TRAPEZE ARTIST, who removes his pants during routines in such a way that the victim has to be raped or plummet TO THEIR DEATH?!” No?…”How about a rapist who convinces a hermaphrodite (a hermaphrodite WITH AMNESIA) that he/she raped him/herself?” I SMELL AN EMMY. Watch this show if you haven’t yet this decade.

2.) Bought some new shoes

I’m most likely the whitest person you know. My family line is Scottish-German-Dutch-English. A mixture of those four nationalities usual leads to a lethal amount of opaqueness, but I managed to make it out okay. I wear polos in my sleep, and khakis with sneakers. I’ve been hunting and think baseball is America’s pastime, but football is better. God, I’m white. But frankly, my feet have not gotten the memo, because the only shoes I wear are DOOOOPE. I do a lot of performing around town, either stand-up or improv (WAKKA WAKKA JOKESANDJOKESANDJOKESANDJOKES), and the only shoes I’ll perform in are Air Force Ones. And color is a must. Currently, I’m working two pairs: the Highlighters and the Purple Reigns, although these are clearly the dream pair.

3.) Backflips

Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. My senior year of college I found this really skinny kid whose parents were Ukrainian gymnasts or something. I referred to him only as “The Guy.” Now, being the Might Morphin’ Power Rangers aficionado I was in grade school, I master such ninja/gymnastic techniques as “The Cartwheel” and “The Roundoff” with great dexterity. So I cornered this kid in the gym one day and asked him for gymnastics lessons and he was ridiculously nice and obliged. Now I can do handstands and – NO JOKING – front handsprings. Seeing the portly, balding kid at a party? Whatever. Seeing that same guy doing FRONT FREAKING FLIPS? Priceless. Currently, I’m honing my upper body strength for a back-flipping out of a roundoff. Because that’s Bruce Lee business right there.

4.) Won a Literary Contest

Actually did this, too.

5.) Committed murder

Actually didn’t do this, but watching all of these Law and Order marathons, wearing weird shoes, and driving my jalopy around St. Louis gives me the feeling that at any moment the cops are going to question me about something minor, and I’m going to start acting “suspiciously” by sweating profusely or stuttering, one of which I do all the time and the other I do when being questioned about things I actually know nothing about. I swear. I didn’t do NOTHING man. I don’t know what DNA is, how could I have put it at a crime scene? Yo, man, I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU W-W-W-W-WITHOUT MY LAWYER.

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