At The Melvin Theater, Jesus Gets Top Billing

Zack’s Hate Mail From Your Recently Deposed Church Youth Minister

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dear Zack,

I must say that it pains me to read this unholy drivel. I spend plenty of time on this computer and on the internet in general. I know there’s some stuff out there that’s pretty bad, but you? I think you take cake, mister. This is just some of the worst dose of poppycock of utter fooey out there.

It’s just a whole lot of filth and flarn, and I know about some filth and flarn.

I don’t know how many youngsters, not that different from you, I’ve talked to about their personal struggles to fight sin and temptation in their everyday life. They get caught up in the rush of talking to girls their age. Some of these girls these days, why, they look like full-grown women! Wearing short skirts, spaghetti straps, shirts that are tighter than a frog’s rear end, or sometimes delightfully loose and billowy, bouncing around in all manner of shoes that have heels no shorter than 3 to 6 inches, sometimes in the best shape of anyone you’ve ever seen in your life…these are the temptations these boys are facing everyday! And I try to help them the best I can, but it’s people like you, and other people, out there on the internets, who are putting up digital and irresistably sexy roadblocks between themselves and the Lord.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. But I can recognize the patterns well enough. Oh, the danger!

You know some of these idolators, heathens, and sinners are right here in our neighborhood? They’re all over the place! Why there’s a whole church league softball team full of sexy teenage singles just dying to meet and mingle! I’ve seen heard about them from some of my more troubled teens. Apparently – I say “apparently” now, because it seems you can run into these things with their links and their pictures without even MEANING to, for Pete’s sake – they’ve got photos, names, and ages, and small nearby towns listed there! As many nearby towns, with directions and everything, that you can possibly imagine. There’s just a children’s toy chest full of men, women, whatever people ready to giggitygiggityGETDOWN get to sinnin’.

It’s tough for people like me to look at people like you without shuddering in the presence of a sinner such as yourself.

If there’s anything I’ve learned since last Tuesday, when I resigned (I resigned, by the way, I was not fired, I resigned, I resigned, I resigned) it’s that this sin is everywhere. It’s on your televisions, it’s in your DVD collections, even some old VHS copies from back in the day, it’s in your low-riding vehicle enthusiast’s riding magazines, and it’s in all seven of your personal computers. There’s a great plague, Zachary, a great flood of diseases, temptations, downfalls, and ignorance about the vile dangers of these types of things that I’m trying to tell you, for your own benefit, to quit writing these articles that deal with such violence and anger and sin. Next thing you know, the whole wall of your office will be ripped down and you’ll be out in broad daylight with your pants around your ankles, mouth agape, hating the sight of daylight. So to speak, metaphorically.

Seriously. If you mess up enough, they put you in a database and you have to go house to house, or apartment to apartment, trailer to trailer saying what you…wrote. It sucks, or so I’ve heard.

Just please stop sinning. That is all.

Yours,

Rev. Jeremiah Madson
Youth Pastor

Disney Movies + Three 6 Mafia = Utterly Awesome

This is one of my favorite videos of all time for a number of reasons.

It goes without saying that I’m a huge Disney fan. I grew up on movies like Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Robin Hood (the one with the fox, not Kevin Costner), and Beauty and the Beast. Any reference therein is duly appreciated, even though, in hindsight, some of these films are a little frogged up.

I went and saw Beauty and the Beast (the musical version) last night at the Muny in Forest Park, the largest outdoor stage in the US of A, which reminded me of this froggishness. A few notes:

  • The Enchantress who started all this stuff was a little hasty in my judgement. Some old and crazy looking woman comes up offering me flowers, I’m probably going to shut the door in her face, too, and I’m ridiculously polite. If she transformed into a beautiful woman, I’d still be like “Whoa…you’re still homeless, right?” /Another door slam. And she did it WAY before his 21st birthday. The kid wasn’t even legal and you’re essentially dooming him to look like a lionbullwolf? That’s not cool, lady. Not cool.
  • Anyone else find it mildly off-putting that as the servants transformed into objects that reflected their personality (e.g. Cogsworth became a clock because he was wound tightly, etc.), Lumiere (original name, Walt) became a candlestick, which is one of the more common household murder weapons of all time? “Oh, Cogsworth, you’re a clock?! Lumiere, you’re a candlestick! Jeff, you’re a loaded handgun!” Also, Lumiere seemed to be a bit of a Pepe Le Pew-esque rapist. Just sayin’.
  • Disney did right by making the coolest character in the movie the villain, Gaston. Very Darth Vader of them. However, they didn’t give him the death he deserves. He haphazardly falls off the castle after shanking the Beast, fading into the darkened depths to an assumed fatal dose of blunt force gravitational trauma? Whatever. Meanwhile, a random henchman gets the COOLEST death in a Disney movie when the Opera-singing wardrobe crushes a man to death. Go to 1:10 at this video. After a quick cut to Gaston to let the Wardrobe smear the blood and guts off her, the man is still fused to the hardwood floor crater. THAT’S  a way to go.
  • I understand that this is a version of a fairytale, but this movie was made in 1991; the concept of love really should’ve been about more than just a dying smooch. I mean, even I kissed more than ONE consenting female prior to my 21st birthday. That’s not love. But I guess that would’ve been too real. Also, I guess that would’ve opened up a Pandora’s box and a wellspring of kid’s questions about the social restraints against bestiality, love-making, etc.

Whatever, I’m over it.

I also love that video because I love Three 6 Mafia. I’ve already mentioned this before (and it’s an awesome story), but one of my fondest memories of college was after the 2007 Academy Awards. The rap trio won for Best New Song in a Film for “Hard Out Here For a Pimp” in Hustle n Flow.  You would have though the Grizzlies would have won the NBA Finals (although this is still probably more likely to happen again than that). Best part? At the time, it was Martin Scorsese – zero, Three 6 Mafia – one on the “How many Oscars do you own?” scale.

In the post-award interview, I believe it was DJ Paul (left, belly full) who pointed to his golden, highly coveted Academy Award and said “I’ma hafta melt this thang down; You can’t buy weed and pussy with this.”

So friggin fly.

So anyway, that’s a cool video. Hate Mail coming soon. Booyah.