I Would Never Do Anything To Ruin Our Friendship Like Poop My Pants

Not feeling particularly inspired on this day, so here’s a clip I like to call “Ole Faithful” since it makes me laugh absolutely every time I see it. Seriously. I had it bookmarked on my phone so I could watch it if I ever had to sit down for more than a couple of minutes. Donald Glover, the kid who poops his pants, is now pretty big time, writing for ’30 Rock’ out of college, leaving to pwn at stand-up, and eventually landing another high-profile gig with “Community.’ He’s worth laughing at, fo sho.

In other news, go see MACGRUBER. I usually don’t try and talk movies up before people go see them, because that usually sets the bar way too high, leading to disappointment. However, I don’t think this could possibly disappoint. I cried during one part. It. Was. Wonderful.

Have a good weekend.

Phantom Toilets Deter Drunken Public Urination, Ability To Have Fun While Peeing

So this is a toilet, not a teleportation platform or tube conveyance or anything really space-aged or awesome. Just a pisser.

It comes up out of the ground at night in a neighborhood that apparently has problems with the locals pee-peeing hither and yon after a night of old-fashioned binge drinking. But isn’t part of the fun of old-fashioned binge drinking finding clandestine/creative places to whiz on the way home? If this is really a port-o-potty, why can’t I knock it over? Maybe that’s just me and my nostalgia.

There might be other opportunities presented. One friend suggested that the ultimate “huzzah!” may come from mounting the phantom toilet and peeing off it. That’ll show em! Another friend mentioned a toilet in Europe that is surrounded by reflective, one-sided glass. Everyone on the outside sees a mirrored cylinder. You, on the other hand, see everyone…while going No. 2!

The phantom toilets, however, do not accept No. 2. Apparently this city has no Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, or any other late night drunk food which would create such inevitable hazards. I guess we can scratch the city of Memphis off that list.

I know someone who took a dump on Beale Street. On it. That is all.

(via Uproxx)

John Wall ‘Extremely Disappointed’ Probable Selection By Washington Will Not Make Him Actual Wizard

RALEIGH, N.C. – NCAA Player of the Year John Wall said his initial cheer at the possibility of playing for the NBA in Washington was slightly less-enthusiastic after word that he would not actually gain the powers and abilities of a wizard if drafted by the team.

The Wizards, who won last night’s NBA Draft Lottery despite their low odds, are expected to select the prospect Wall based off his stellar freshman year at Kentucky. Wall, who stated he believed the New Jersey Nets would win, was elated at the news, but now only less so.

“I was so amped, man,” said Wall. “I felt like that sorting hat was on my head, and it put me in Washington House. First thing I did was buy an friggin owl. Where am I supposed to put that stupid bird now?”

Wall said he was happy to have been so well-versed in Lord of the Rings terminology, and thanked his mother for showing him Fantasia as a child, but disappointed he wouldn’t be able to manipulate matter with a wand, fly straddled on a broom, or battle any sort of dragons.

“I was ready to stab me a dragon. But sometimes that’s how the chips fall,” said Wall. “And I’m still going to grow a big ass gray beard.”

At time of press, no further word on Spanish-prospect Ricky Rubio’s coincidental transformation into a werewolf.

(As originally published on The Ghost of Roy Hobbs, your source for sports and culture analysis from the Natural himself.)

Alabama Maintains That It Is Very Much In Your Face About Politics

I wrote earlier about Alabama gubernatorial (yes, I’m going to write that word out at every opportunity, because it’s hilarious) candidate Tim James’ campaign video and the subsequent parody that came afterward. Now comes another Alabaman who could care less for whatever I wrote, he’s gonna cram this knowledge down my, yours, and everyone else’s faces.

His name is Dale Peterson and he’s running for Alabama Agriculture Chairman.

His resume is long. He’s served on virtually every form of law enforcement imaginable and he’s been a businessman, too. He may or may not suffer from voice immodulation disorder and he most certainly is the only person I’ve ever seen who can frighten a horse (go to 0:47…see what I mean?). Sounds a little over-qualified to me for the Ag Chairman, but that’s just me.

Frankly I’d rather have too much than not enough. And I’d rather not have Dale Peterson shoot me, or worse, punch me.

Here’s yet another political video. It happens to be my favorite, sent to me from my dentist friend.

Super Ridiculous Update: Coolio Gets Iced After Singing ‘Gangster’s Paradise’

UPDATE: SOMETHING IS GOING ON IN THE KITCHEN, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S COOKING.

Two favorite features here at ZGD – Coolio and Icing - have come together brilliantly the day after I purchased these ridiculously FLYYYY shoes. The video is here (fast forward to about 4:40 to see Coolio’s eyes on crack followed by the icing), but needless to say, I wish I was there.

Sometimes, I have concerns about the world. It can be pretty messed up sometimes. Then I have a few days like this, when I know everything’s going to be alright.

(h/t @amac84)

Just In Case You Were Wondering What Simpsons Fandom or Art In General Really Looks Like

Thanks for holding it down for me here on the site while I was in Memphis for BBQfest and the engagement festival of Captain America. I fought terrorism by eating nothing but BBQ for three straight days, until I broke down and had a lovely brunch.

This video is of some company in Foggy Londontown hiring some artist kid, Matt Williams, to decorate their wall. Instead of painting some artistic landscape or something else that’s soothing to look at while wishing you weren’t at work, Williams extends all eight knuckles of his middle finger like so: by writing every quote written by Bart Simpson in the opening credits of “The Simpsons.”

It’s pretty brilliant on a number of levels. First off, he just got hired to draw something on a wall, and he wrote on it instead. Second, this company will love him for it, as it’s probably getting a decent dose of publicity from it. Lastly…it’s the Simpsons. You can whine all you want about how it isn’t like it used to be, or it just mimics “Family Guy,” or that is really isn’t like it used to be, but for the record, it’s going to go down as one of the best/most successful shows of all time. Everyone swings at the champ.

Favorites:

  • “Beans are neither musical nor fruit.”
  • “I will not torment the emotionally frail.”
  • “I will not teach others to fly.”
  • “Ralph won’t “morph” if you squeeze him hard enough.”
  • “I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.”
  • “A fire drill does not demand a fire.”
  • “I was not the inspiration for “Kramer”.”
  • “I was not touched “there” by an angel.”
  • “The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens.”
  • “I am not Charlie Brown on acid.”

Trying To Stifle Rising Skepticism For This Show ‘Memphis Beat’

I don’t make a habit of catching TNT dramas. Mainly because, for the most part, they, ya know, suck heinously.

So when I first heard that TNT was releasing a show called “Memphis Beat” this summer, I was immediately like, “Oh, no they di’n’t.” Not in my city, where I lived for four years during college. They’re not going to take a not-so-much-known-as-remembered-faintly and overly-advertised dump on my Beale Street, are they?

Oh yes, they are.

The show’s already here. It’s been made. It’s being produced. Actors are acting in it. Right now, the same people who put Holly Hunter and Kera Sedgwick in front of my Saving Private Ryan and John Q reruns are fanning their well-trimmed and thin goatees, waiting to find another project to likely lose money on. The train has left the station. So in the spirit of enjoying the ride, I’m trying to think of some good things to say about this show, so that I can enjoy this, uh, “tribute” to a city I enjoy so drunkenly thoroughly.

Jason Lee is pretty cool. I liked My Name Is Earl and his Kevin Smith-film work is pretty funny.

But that’s about all I can say. There are a couple of points that I can’t seem to wrap my pea-sized brain around with this show. Right off the bat, let’s start with the premise: That Lee is some kind of sweet-talkin’ Memphis po-lice officer who knows the streets so well, the smart criminals just turn themselves in! Howdy! Why doesn’t this Yankee-lady-cop get it? This guy knows what he’s doing because he knows Memphis, amiright?!

Wrong.

Memphis, to put it mildly, is crazy. I don’t know if you’re familiar with what Memphis is most known for when speaking within the context of how society works there or how police enforcement functions, but I have a little knowledge, and it isn’t nearly as charming. Off the top of my head, there’s this story about a mother bringing a sword concealed in a walking cane to her daughters school (a regular enough occurence, I know), riots (with shots being fired) at the Zoo on free admission day, and four officers injured at the ever-fly Plush Club. Never mind a buddy of mine getting abducted rather randomly for about 12 hours for his wallet and cell phone. Memphis is a special kind of crazy, and that kind of crazy creates a certain kind of crazy police officer.

Now, I love DJ Qualls as much as the next guy. But if this guy asked for my ID at an on-campus party, I’d laugh at him. I would only suspect that other people in the Memphis community would do the same or worse…like abduct him for 12 hours and take his wallet and cell phone. I’m not saying they need to make “The Wire: Part 2″ or anything like that, but something a little closer to that and a little further away from “Las Vegas” or “Leverage” is probably in order.

By probably, I mean definitely.

Also, there seems to be a heavy Elvis influence which is…meh. I like Elvis. I really, do. But I never once went to Graceland, and I don’t plan to. After seeing Jason Lee do some sort of performance, I’m pretty sure they’re going to lean heavily on the Elvis stuff. They purport to also cherish the blues, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m very curious to see if they’ll showcase the actual mayors of Mempis, Three 6 Mafia. One of my fondest memories of college was after the 2007 Academy Awards, when the rap trio won for Best New Song in a Film for “Hard Out Here For a Pimp” in Hustle n Flow. At the time, it was Martin Scorsese – zero, Three 6 Mafia – one on the “How many Oscars do you own?” scale.

In the post-award interview, if my memory serves me correctly, it was DJ Paul who pointed to his golden, highly coveted Academy Award and said “I’ma hafta melt this thang down; You can’t buy weed and pussy with this.” True story (also a Dave Chappelle reference for the keen ear).

So I’m hoping they’ll have more of that.

But I’ll watch it. When they’re filming in sunny, clean and bright Los Angeles, I’ll notice and harumph, but when they cut to their stock footage of Beale Street or something, I’ll smile fondly. I earnestly hope it’s good, because Memphis is good. I just hope they can capture some of that Memphis awesomeness, rather than make it that sort of awkward-TNT type of dramedy that fat women go nuts for.

Needless to say, I’ll be in Memphis this weekend. Hope to see you there.