Stephen Hawking Knows Aliens Are Going To Be Douchebags

Stephen Hawking says there are aliens. Stephen Hawking can’t walk, but I believe him anyway.

Stephen Hawking says that these aliens, if they ever come to Earth, are probably going to bring some bad tidings. Stephen Hawking can’t talk, but he’s the smartest man on our planet right now, so yeah, I believe him.

Jimmy Kimmel knows what’s up. And, in other name-drop-worthy news, the alien featured in this bit is none other than BJ “Honkey” Lange, a buddy of mine from the Improv Trick in St. Louis. BJ and I met when I first moved up to the Gateway City and he was one of the first people to really encourage to get me involved with comedy, improv, whathaveyou. Always nice, quick to offer advice, and one heck of a model American. He also drives around in a car that has an American flag paint job.

So big ups to BJ, big downs to aliens. Keep em outta my country planet.

Dr. Ken and The Guy From ‘The Soup’ Want You To Wear Socks On Your Thumbs While Driving. No, Seriously.

There’s no punchline.

They want you to wear socks on your thumbs, leaving them slick and unable to text all your annoying girlfriends. Teens on the whole are four times more likely to crash while texting, and are a million times more likely to crash simply by merit of them being teens.

But I’ll pretty much do anything Ken Jeong tells me to. So I’ve got like 20 or 30 pairs if anyone needs to borrow them.

(h/t Phil)

Terry Gaither Advice on Letting Employees Go

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

“Dear Terry,
Thinking about moving some of my resources off-shore. This would cut costs very well…but I’d have to let a couple of people here go. Not wanting to be a cold-hearted guy, but I’ve got a business to run. What’s my move?
Respectfully,
Edward Romaine”

Nobody wants to look like the dickhole in a given situation. I get that. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, up to and including assuming dickhole status. There are three avenues you can take here in order to soften the inevitable blow to your employees or to avoid it completely, just like I didn’t this one time/the last time when I had some people working under me:

Change Your Business To Include Numerous Offshore and Onshore Resources: This could include any number of black market importing and exporting, from drugs and exotic animals to organs and more organs. Don’t worry about not getting to undercut your current employees. Just make them work graveyard shifts with a high probability of getting shot by other dealers or maybe even law enforcement officers! JOY!

Make Them Happy You’re Letting Them Go: This might be redundant, as you could already be doing these things, but make sure they see your possibly calloused business decision to fire them and put them out on the street as a welcome, misery-ending blessing. Start making them work 110 hours weekly. Turn the heat up in the summer. Blare nothing but death metal over the loudspeaker and make sure that not one photon of natural light enters that building. Do you have any available livestock for slaughter? Get some livestock and start slaughtering. Remember, the heat will be on so that smell will stay with those people for a while. Then, after those people are gone, you and the employees you kept can just laugh and laugh.

Fire Them: You could always just sack up and tell them to their faces that they and the company are going in two different directions and wish them the best. And if they get upset, just punch them in the teeth. That’d be the most professional, but least fun, way to handle it.

PS – I’m only doing one query today because last night my nurse had to hit me in the throat with his baton, so I’m a little hungover. Go screw yourself, readers.

Heed This Man or Pay Lifetimes of Untold Misfortunes

It’s no secret: the internets are a good place.

From it, you can derive a whole host of things to get you through your almost assuredly miserable existence. Sites and devices have been created for just such a purpose; youtube, twitter, facebook, etc. And yet, there are still people who – for lack of better definitions – aren’t good at the internet. They can’t seem to find anything worthwhile and use it for, sigh, business purposes only.

Meet those people’s antithesis. And appluad.

Vaunted scribe, apt skiier, and San Antonio Spurs fan (as well as frequent commentor on this humble site) Icehouse has started a Tumblr page that ought to be a daily stop for everyone. It should be stated that 90 percent of the laughing I do throughout the day is at the hands of Icehouse and the pictures, videos and such that will grace this House of Ice.

Get ready to enjoy: Here are some of my personal favs:

(as always, h/t to Icehouse for sending the link)

Zack’s Hate Mail from Lin Yu Chun, the Bowl-Cut, Portly, Asian Internet Sensation

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers: Continue reading