Tell Me Whether I’m Doing Awesome or Not Awesome

So thus far, the site’s been doing pretty well. I’m enjoying getting down, and from the number of both familiar and new visitors coming in every day, you guys are enjoying me getting down.

But here’s a link to some polls I’m doing to figure out what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong. It’ll take like eight seconds to do it all, so no bigs whatsoever. Also, I’ll refer back to this from time to time if there are new poll questions or if the comment section gets freaky, which I hope it does.

You guys are all awesome, anyway. Thanks for stopping by and stuff.

This Isn’t Two Guys Fighting In a Whataburger As Seen and Described By Two Houston Rappers, Is It?

Icehouse sends this little bit from his beloved Texas. Short story shorter, two guys get into fistacuffs over a misplaced Whataburger burger in front of some FlipCam-ready Houston rappers. Hilarity ensues.

I don’t know what else to say. Guess your day could have been a lot worse, eh?

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! NOOOOOOOOO!

THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. DOUBLE-U, TEE, EFF, LIFE.

This is a shocking turn of events for the world of GIFs: first, great and merry rappers in them, now adorable-bird murder, mixed with a dash of voyeurism. TOO. F-ING. CRUEL.

(h/t Icehouse)

Famous Rappers Plus Moving Harry-Potter-like Pictures Equals Crazy Awesome

Oh, man. Expect this to be a big ole innanet sensation by Friday.

From @azizansari comes Gifs of Popular Rappers. It’s pretty self-explanatory and pretty awesome at the same time. Here are some favs:

This reminds me of a friend of mine who can barely chew their gum and look not-retarded in the same breath.

Being in St. Louis, I would be remiss not to throw up an obligatory Nelly GIF. Haven’t seen him yet, but I hear he hangs out in the Loop a lot, so I hang out in the Loop a lot.

FAT/OLD PEOPLE!!!….(record scratch) RAPPING? HILARITY!

(h/t @azizansari)

Zack’s Hate Mail from Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage

In our offices, everyday it seems like Zack gets a piece of Hate Mail from just about any and everybody you could imagine. Here are some of the keepers:

Dearest Zachary,

While I certainly do not wish to dilute the waters of the pool of creativity I see in the world today – a pool that is currently withering rapidly under the high sun of willful American ignorance – I simply must insist that you reassess your direction with this Web site and perhaps find a venue that would be better suited for your abilities, as limited as those are. It seems, despite my most sincere efforts, mind you, that your entries into this online journal are simply too crass, too simple-minded and too representative of the shameful status quo, to enjoy. That is, that a fart joke here, and an allusion to some sort of degenerate’s paradise there, a humorous scenario it does make.

Quite frankly, my dear boy, nothing could be further from the truth. Continue reading

If I Didn’t Know Better, I’d Say That This Person Isn’t Singing This Rap Song At All

So Zach Galifianakis is a really big deal right now, and deservedly so. One of the funnier stories to come out of his various successes prior to The Hangover is this music video. After seeing one of his stand up shows, Kanye West approached Galifianakis about the latter doing a video for the former. He agreed, but only so long as Kanye didn’t see the finished product until it was released.

This is the result. And it’s awesome.

Sidenote: Apparently, Kanye loves stand-up.

Terry Gaither Advice on Team Building, Relocation, and Changing Vocations

Terry Gaither Advice is a sponsored advice column in which Mr. Gaither lends his own advice and wisdom from his twenty years of working in the professional field on Wall Street and his last six years working from his cell in a maximum security, 24-hour watch mental facility.

Dear Terry,
My bosses keep making us go on all of these ‘team-building retreats.’ Basically, they’ll just let us out early and we’ll all go to get drinks at Chili’s or do something else fun. How am I supposed to get out of doing these stupid, stupid activities and get some real work done?
Harumph,
Stingy Sharon”

Two things are apparent in your dissection of the situation: First, that your bosses aren’t utilizing their time in a way that is beneficial for everyone’s best interest and two, that you’re a devil woman who is probably just awful to work with and around. Those two facts sum everything up pretty well.

So, while your bosses are kind of wimpy and are trying to curry favor among their subordinates by getting them hammered, you can always just say “YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD BE DOING WORK NOW” and maybe walk out. This will connote the fact that you disagree with this laid back corporate environment and that animals have crawled inside of your bowels, made a home, lived their lives there, aged considerably, and passed away several months ago. They will – no doubt – already know this about you, but saying things that people already know seems to be something you’d be annoyingly good at.

So the next time your bosses, who seem nice enough, ever try to bond with you or your co-workers, make sure you let them know that you won’t be bought out by kindness, but by bloodshed. Maybe punch someone in the back of the head when you’re storming back to the office that hates you.

Will you marry me? Continue reading

The Worst Part About Running Someone Over With Your Car Is That They Never Really Believe That You’re Sorry

You know, you try and try and try to be careful out there on the roads. You keep your hand at ten or two, you only text behind the wheel when necessary or when you’re really in a hurry and you never drive if you’ve already thrown up from drinking. I mean, most of that stuff is common sense. But accidents still happen. They’re always going to happen, no matter how cautious you are, and I know how badly this sucks first hand.

The worst part about running someone over with your car is that they never really believe that you’re sorry.

I get that this must be a pretty terrible inconvenience. Lord knows we’ve all been subject to traffic delays because of rubbernecking or because the president was in town or because you happened to be on the sidewalk that I happened to merge on. It could be worse, it’s not like I drove off or something. What do you want me to do about it now? What happened happened unfortunately, and I’ve given my apologies and moved on. Why is me saying “I’m sorry” not enough? Fine. ‘I’m sorry for hitting you in such a way with my car that a good majority of your midsection got caught under one set of my tires and your legs got caught with my other tires.’ What, is that good enough now?

Okay, how about this: I’ll pick up your dry cleaning bill. I guess it’s the least I could do.

Take my contact information. That’s all my real info. I’m not trying to hide from all this, I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m basically responsible for your femurs being dislodged from the rest of your lower body. These things happen, I guess. But, seriously, I think the taking your dry cleaning tab is  a pretty generous offer on my part. That shirt’s still got some better days ahead, a little blood leaking out of your earhole and eye sockets never hurt much. Should come right out. I’d take the pants, but they’re in so many pieces, you’d really need a good tailor and, frankly, would probably just need a new pair all together. I can clean the shirt, but ehh, I don’t really think I can spot you the pants.

Listen, ma’am. At this point, I can only be so reasonable with someone being so unreasonable.

I can barely understand what you’re saying. You’re not making any sense with your words right now. Just because you’ve lost your teeth doesn’t mean that you should resort to gargling angrily at me. I mean, look at me. Sure, I was a little startled; this sort of thing doesn’t exactly happen to me every day either. But hey! I’m over it! Tomorrow is another day! If you’d just calm down a little bit and stop flailing your shoulders up and down off the pavement for just a minute, you might be able to rationalize everything and get over it yourself. One of these days, you’ll have to let go…why not today?

Glad to see you calmed down a little bit. Here’s my card, with more contact info on it. Here’s my card. It’s right here. Take it…seriously, take it. Just take the stupid-…fine. The passive aggressive ignoring bit. Okay. Fine then.

Some people’s kids…sheesh.